How to cope with Grief at Christmas
Ho Ho Ho ………..No No No It’s Christmas!
How to prepare for grief at Christmas time.
It’s that time of year where we walk into a shopping center and you hear Mariah Carey’s song‘all I want for Christmas is you’, and you might be thinking …..all I want for Christmas is to get through it in one piece!
Please don’t get me wrong – Christmas is a very special time and this article is not to dampen anyone’s spirits. The intention of writing this piece is to acknowledge that Christmas can be a difficult time and to share tools to support you and your loved ones.
What I have learnt is that it is ok to talk about your loved ones who are no longer with you, whether that is loss through death, divorce, baby loss, fertility complications, health challenges/changes, the death of a pet, arguments within families to name a few.
This is the time to honor your feelings and know that is ok to not always be ok including Christmas time.
Go with how you are feeling. It’s important to remember the person you’ve lost.
It’s not about getting over it, it’s more like learning to live with the loss.
This little clip portrays possible ways to help:
https://shapesofgrief.com/useful-links/in-times-of-grief-there-are-words/
Last Christmas was particularly difficult after the tragic death of my cousin in October who was also my best friend. An ICU nurse who was the kindest soul. I remember thinking – “how am I going to get through Christmas this year”? Christmas day fell on a Monday and I thought, “it’s Monday- yesterday was Sunday and tomorrow is Tuesday. I lived through other Mondays – I can survive this one”.
The most important piece of advice I can give is to be honest with how you are feeling. Everyone grieves in their own way. I believe this is an individual journey, however, it doesn’t have to be a lonely one. Working in Occupational Health and being a Mindfulness teacher doesn’t make you exempt from feeling what you are feeling.
If you are reading this and you are concerned about a friend or family member who is grieving and don’t really know what to do or say, here are some tips that may help:
- Offer a listening ear – they may wish to speak about their loved one- sometimes people choose to speak to someone who doesn’t know them- a trained listener about how they’re feeling.
- Practical ways to help- keeping things simple e.g. help with cooking prep, going for a walk-in nature, visiting the grave, put a decoration on the tree/light a candle in their memory, donate to a charity in their name
- Letting them know their feelings are valid
When planning for Christmas, If you begin to feel overwhelmed/upset, remember to feel your feet connected to the ground, notice your breath as you breath in through your nose and out through your mouth for 3 rounds. Sometimes it is the simple things that help.
Mindfulness and grief 5 Ways Mindfulness Can Help Us Work Through Grief
- If you have gifts to buy – try online shopping or recruit some friends like I did last year from the hospital and in one hour they had helped me to pick out a list of gifts from one shop! Forever grateful!
- I have had a few years of preparing for Christmas with less places to set at the dinner table. The year my Mum died, we did keep her chair at the table because that is where she sat every Christmas. Speaking about her love for Christmas, playing some songs and looking through photos helped.
- Remember to maintain some routine over the Christmas period by trying to eat well, sleep well, getting outdoors for a walk and connecting with friends/loved ones.
When the day comes -take some time to grieve together and/or alone knowing that the day will come and go.
“Grieving is the price we pay for loving” Bruce Springsteen
Wishing you and your loved one’s peace, comfort and warmth this Christmas.
Take care,
Fiona x
Know that there is always someone there for you to listen. Please see the link for resources below:
